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greetings.
to be very honest i do not know how any of this works, but i am indeed in a bind with my life right now so i'd reckon that there is no better timing than now to try out new things that may help to keep bad thoughts feelings etc at bay. i have never blogged, also never have been exactly great with tumblr, made my carrds and txti with... 95% help from videos others have uploaded on the internet (i lied. it was 99% help. I'll give myself that 1% credit for my own dignity) so. you'd probably have a very vivid idea of how exactly bad i am with these kinds of things, and you'll only further witness how untalented i am with aesthetics and making it a reality because i do Not know how to live without mixing up two extremes of aesthetics lmao.
nevertheless, the need to ramble undoubtedly surpasses all these concerns and insecurities, hence here i am. on my second attempt with this site baby. and i guess an introduction is overdue, so here we go lmaoooo
freshly turned 20 approximately a month ago, was dragged through hell and back in medschool and to be dragged more for at least a thousand more turns, surprisingly finds stupid reasons to live in the short term very easily but holy fuck is it hard to find purpose in the long run. forgot to mention that i am severely incapacitated in terms of socialising, which i guess makes my presence here all the more... logical lololol. prominent interests over the years include youtubers (leaning more towards lets players), games, anime, kpop. and renjun. of course. recently developed ones include figure skating, tv series focusing on fucked-up-but-still-trying protagonists, and discovering music from genres i do not usually delve into.
i like to be alone but i also feel alone sometimes, and it does coexist. i've hit two rock bottoms at least throughout my life, and the bad feelings come and go as they please more often than not. no, i do not know how to keep them away for life, but hopefully i will soon enough.
niceeeee. this seems good enough. will hopefully come back soon enough to draft out my thoughts on my interests because i have A Lot to say about them. always. obviously. i can never consume a media and act normal about it. i have to make it my Personality.
signing out now yihh
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Entry tags:
fuck clinicals! me and my homies hate clinicals!
yea. i'm back or whatever. pls give me shit for it later i do Not have the capacity to handle my own procrastination right now.
anyways,,, it's february of the grand year 2024 so that makes it somewhat a 1 year anniversary of user lunarhuang on dreamwidth? that's kinda crazy tbh idk man i think my sense of time in general is getting so damn wonky and contorted like tf u mean it's been 4 months since i first started clinicals.... yea shit's kinda trippy but o well idk man i'm still in one piece so i'd take whatever the hell i can get really lawl.
idk what i've been feeling these days. i don't think i know what i've been feeling for a really long while now. it's equal parts good and bad, to tell the truth. on one end where i get to blunt the pain of the void inside eating me alive whenever it comes, it's been getting even harder to tell whether i'm truly happy or maybe it's just by the context i'm receiving from understanding of social cues and situations. everyone's laughing so no shit i should be laughing too. that's what goes through my mind anyways before i double back on it several hours, days, weeks, months later. in present time, reviewing some of my recent memories really makes me think, was i really happy? from pictures and retelling of the story it sure seemed like it but i cannot seem to remember feeling that much of a joy or glee from that time. these days, i look at pictures of these events and the first thought that goes through my mind when i see myself smile is was i truly that happy? was i actually even happy? because i cannot for the life of me remember what it feels like to be happy and i hope to god that i was genuinely as happy as i looked, because i can't remember. i just can't.
one thing that people don't tell enough about feeling extremes of emotions and tasting what it's like to be at the highest of peaks and the rockiest of bottoms is that you just learn to be numb overtime. you learn that no matter the shit you go through, you can't afford to lose your control, your footing. i've had the rug pulled out from under my feet way too many times and these days i just learn to take the pain of the fall like the man that i am and focus on getting back on my feet. apparently i just don't care enough to look for the effects of the fall, a bruise, a cut, a bleed, a fracture. i stand on my feet and i keep telling myself to go, to move, even if it meant to forward to a destination i know nothing of. stopping to tend my wounds meant time is passing without progress and i cannot afford being stuck at one place for too long. because the things that have been chasing me, they'll catch up to me. they'll take me away and break me down to what i truly am, all my false pretenses stripped off.
then, do tell me, if it is not i who tend to my wounds, who will?
will i continue this cycle until i bleed out to death because i'm just too stubborn to heal myself, or will i be unable to move fast enough until all that i am catches up to me and eats me alive?
well well well! another depressing as fuck entry yet again! i never do learn do i lmfaooooo well what's important is lunarhuang entries are updated so who the fuck cares!
anyways,,, it's february of the grand year 2024 so that makes it somewhat a 1 year anniversary of user lunarhuang on dreamwidth? that's kinda crazy tbh idk man i think my sense of time in general is getting so damn wonky and contorted like tf u mean it's been 4 months since i first started clinicals.... yea shit's kinda trippy but o well idk man i'm still in one piece so i'd take whatever the hell i can get really lawl.
idk what i've been feeling these days. i don't think i know what i've been feeling for a really long while now. it's equal parts good and bad, to tell the truth. on one end where i get to blunt the pain of the void inside eating me alive whenever it comes, it's been getting even harder to tell whether i'm truly happy or maybe it's just by the context i'm receiving from understanding of social cues and situations. everyone's laughing so no shit i should be laughing too. that's what goes through my mind anyways before i double back on it several hours, days, weeks, months later. in present time, reviewing some of my recent memories really makes me think, was i really happy? from pictures and retelling of the story it sure seemed like it but i cannot seem to remember feeling that much of a joy or glee from that time. these days, i look at pictures of these events and the first thought that goes through my mind when i see myself smile is was i truly that happy? was i actually even happy? because i cannot for the life of me remember what it feels like to be happy and i hope to god that i was genuinely as happy as i looked, because i can't remember. i just can't.
one thing that people don't tell enough about feeling extremes of emotions and tasting what it's like to be at the highest of peaks and the rockiest of bottoms is that you just learn to be numb overtime. you learn that no matter the shit you go through, you can't afford to lose your control, your footing. i've had the rug pulled out from under my feet way too many times and these days i just learn to take the pain of the fall like the man that i am and focus on getting back on my feet. apparently i just don't care enough to look for the effects of the fall, a bruise, a cut, a bleed, a fracture. i stand on my feet and i keep telling myself to go, to move, even if it meant to forward to a destination i know nothing of. stopping to tend my wounds meant time is passing without progress and i cannot afford being stuck at one place for too long. because the things that have been chasing me, they'll catch up to me. they'll take me away and break me down to what i truly am, all my false pretenses stripped off.
then, do tell me, if it is not i who tend to my wounds, who will?
will i continue this cycle until i bleed out to death because i'm just too stubborn to heal myself, or will i be unable to move fast enough until all that i am catches up to me and eats me alive?
well well well! another depressing as fuck entry yet again! i never do learn do i lmfaooooo well what's important is lunarhuang entries are updated so who the fuck cares!
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depressing shit plz click away tq luv u
sigh. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh. mega long unbearable sufferings carried on for too long sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i'm here again. and that is obviously not a good thing because i'm really just here when 1) i have too much things to say about an obsession but i've damaged too much friendships to actually be comfortable enough to just barge in their dms to ramble my mouth off about said obsession so i eventually resort to megaphone-ing my thoughts to an empty chamber. despite my chronic introvertism i still have decorum do not fret. or 2) i'm just too deep in this weird state of wanting to die but still trying my best not to just end it all. but yet again some nights u're just like /this/ close to actually entertaining these thoughts of death... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i should've known there was something wrong when watching bojack got me feeling so sentimental and shit like dang i don't think the point of the show was to have the audience relate themselves to the main character out of literally all other species in the show. but dang. truly. like fine bojack's a shit person i agree but he's trying. and maybe i'm just a shit person and maybe i deserve all of this which i agree to a certain extent but good god am i trying.
i'm writing too much already so i might as well just get emotional and let it be over with. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know if i'm living /the/ life i would be happy to look back to in five years time. i don't know if i'm doing enough for myself, what more for other people. there's this constant pressure pushing down on my shoulders and i can feel it pushing on my chest when i lay down and it makes me scared. nothing erases them. i feel like i'm on edge all the time and exhaustion creeps up on me and settles down bone deep that i can't do anything about it. it's like there's a sickness slowly enveloping me and devouring me whole, suffocating me in it's hold.
this feels like a cycle that i'm all too familiar with and i'm scared. i'm running on autopilot. i'm steeling myself despite it all. i'm feeling numb all over and i can't even recognise if my feelings are all that genuine even. i'm exhausted.
i'm here again. and that is obviously not a good thing because i'm really just here when 1) i have too much things to say about an obsession but i've damaged too much friendships to actually be comfortable enough to just barge in their dms to ramble my mouth off about said obsession so i eventually resort to megaphone-ing my thoughts to an empty chamber. despite my chronic introvertism i still have decorum do not fret. or 2) i'm just too deep in this weird state of wanting to die but still trying my best not to just end it all. but yet again some nights u're just like /this/ close to actually entertaining these thoughts of death... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i should've known there was something wrong when watching bojack got me feeling so sentimental and shit like dang i don't think the point of the show was to have the audience relate themselves to the main character out of literally all other species in the show. but dang. truly. like fine bojack's a shit person i agree but he's trying. and maybe i'm just a shit person and maybe i deserve all of this which i agree to a certain extent but good god am i trying.
i'm writing too much already so i might as well just get emotional and let it be over with. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know if i'm living /the/ life i would be happy to look back to in five years time. i don't know if i'm doing enough for myself, what more for other people. there's this constant pressure pushing down on my shoulders and i can feel it pushing on my chest when i lay down and it makes me scared. nothing erases them. i feel like i'm on edge all the time and exhaustion creeps up on me and settles down bone deep that i can't do anything about it. it's like there's a sickness slowly enveloping me and devouring me whole, suffocating me in it's hold.
this feels like a cycle that i'm all too familiar with and i'm scared. i'm running on autopilot. i'm steeling myself despite it all. i'm feeling numb all over and i can't even recognise if my feelings are all that genuine even. i'm exhausted.
Entry tags:
1.05 am empty (or the lack thereof, ironically) convos, amongst other things.
guess who's back... back again yeehawerzzzz!!!
i currently have a draft on my feb top tracks sitting in my laptop but uhmmm it got too long and i have yet to figure out the cutting functions in dreamwidth uhhhhhhhggg... hence here we are. with yet another draft, maybe a successful entry even if i do not fall asleep halfway through typing this in my phone lawlz. we're entering april and hm i've got to say that 2023 me is doing pretty well in the present (when i'm not drowning in my past here and there that is lmfao).
the test mentioned previously really took a toll on me i believe because i came out of it suddenly being an advocator of the enough sleep and resters. wtv that is lol. point is i've been trying to maximise my sleep every night and i've got to say... i get the enjoyment of sleeping actually... perhaps i am indeed ageing oh dear...
also i should probably archive my media consumption for the past month++ so maybe here's a good place? you unsane catching fire projek high council and currently in quarter way through first season of fruits basket hmm there's several others i believe but my brain's really exhausted atm because i'm stressed out over tds ticketing lmfao in which we will reserve it's story for another time! so i'll probably come back here soon to double check the list.
anyways. i should probably hit the sack now. thank you for reading through n pls remember that i'm in ur walls. haha kidding. but maybe not too. hihi.
i currently have a draft on my feb top tracks sitting in my laptop but uhmmm it got too long and i have yet to figure out the cutting functions in dreamwidth uhhhhhhhggg... hence here we are. with yet another draft, maybe a successful entry even if i do not fall asleep halfway through typing this in my phone lawlz. we're entering april and hm i've got to say that 2023 me is doing pretty well in the present (when i'm not drowning in my past here and there that is lmfao).
the test mentioned previously really took a toll on me i believe because i came out of it suddenly being an advocator of the enough sleep and resters. wtv that is lol. point is i've been trying to maximise my sleep every night and i've got to say... i get the enjoyment of sleeping actually... perhaps i am indeed ageing oh dear...
also i should probably archive my media consumption for the past month++ so maybe here's a good place? you unsane catching fire projek high council and currently in quarter way through first season of fruits basket hmm there's several others i believe but my brain's really exhausted atm because i'm stressed out over tds ticketing lmfao in which we will reserve it's story for another time! so i'll probably come back here soon to double check the list.
anyways. i should probably hit the sack now. thank you for reading through n pls remember that i'm in ur walls. haha kidding. but maybe not too. hihi.
Entry tags:
jan '23 in a nutshell (spoiler - it's a clusterfuck)
hi. again.
i wished to come back here on a more positive note because some Crazy good stuff happened the past week (re: met 5dream AAaaaAAAaAAAAAAA!!!!) but alas, the real reason i'm here is that i am experiencing a drop in mental health and i do not know where else to go LMAO so yea. sorry if this comes off as unserious btw i am just physically incapable in taking myself seriously especially when it comes to concerning stuff lololol so wtv ig.
it's been... hard. and frustrating. to try and doze off at night for the past several weeks and frankly i think my body is giving out on me due to the increasingly severe condition of insufficient rest time. my brain's either pulsating slash pounding every other hour and it's been so trying to focus in classes because i'm always in pain or in a state of extreme dissociation and sleepiness. i've got my midsem test in approximately 2 weeks and i'll be honest i'm trying so hard to keep my mind on track preparing when i could not be more astray than ever ugh.
also. i've considered going for evaluations for neurodivergence(?) for the longest of time but idk i'm scared and idk how to navigate myself around this thing as i am really unfamiliar with it. but i just really need to know what's wrong with me. i was scrolling my tl the other day and found a twt where it says that if you're here wishing you're sick (hospitalised) so you could take a day off of daily life's pressure, then there is something inherently wrong with you. because the initial thought is not a healthy one and uhhhhggg. yea... then another user quoted with the thing where if you wish you were sick, then you really ARE sick because no healthy individual wished to be sick. so uh. erm. it basically gets you thinking huh.
i'm tired of trying to be functional. everyday i try to swat away these thoughts of kmsing and try to live out being a 'normal perfectly functional with very great common sense' individual when in truth, my socialising skills have never reached a bar this low and my abilities in understanding social cues are just so... debilitated. i get worse and worse at being functional and i think i am wearing myself out way too ahead of my expiration date.
i am honestly in so much pain and hurting deep inside but i really don't know what to do. i want to get my mind off of things but it'll take time and i cannot waste more of it than i already have. idk if crying even helps anymore. idk if it can even be helped anymore.
sigh
fuck me or wtv amirite
i wished to come back here on a more positive note because some Crazy good stuff happened the past week (re: met 5dream AAaaaAAAaAAAAAAA!!!!) but alas, the real reason i'm here is that i am experiencing a drop in mental health and i do not know where else to go LMAO so yea. sorry if this comes off as unserious btw i am just physically incapable in taking myself seriously especially when it comes to concerning stuff lololol so wtv ig.
it's been... hard. and frustrating. to try and doze off at night for the past several weeks and frankly i think my body is giving out on me due to the increasingly severe condition of insufficient rest time. my brain's either pulsating slash pounding every other hour and it's been so trying to focus in classes because i'm always in pain or in a state of extreme dissociation and sleepiness. i've got my midsem test in approximately 2 weeks and i'll be honest i'm trying so hard to keep my mind on track preparing when i could not be more astray than ever ugh.
also. i've considered going for evaluations for neurodivergence(?) for the longest of time but idk i'm scared and idk how to navigate myself around this thing as i am really unfamiliar with it. but i just really need to know what's wrong with me. i was scrolling my tl the other day and found a twt where it says that if you're here wishing you're sick (hospitalised) so you could take a day off of daily life's pressure, then there is something inherently wrong with you. because the initial thought is not a healthy one and uhhhhggg. yea... then another user quoted with the thing where if you wish you were sick, then you really ARE sick because no healthy individual wished to be sick. so uh. erm. it basically gets you thinking huh.
i'm tired of trying to be functional. everyday i try to swat away these thoughts of kmsing and try to live out being a 'normal perfectly functional with very great common sense' individual when in truth, my socialising skills have never reached a bar this low and my abilities in understanding social cues are just so... debilitated. i get worse and worse at being functional and i think i am wearing myself out way too ahead of my expiration date.
i am honestly in so much pain and hurting deep inside but i really don't know what to do. i want to get my mind off of things but it'll take time and i cannot waste more of it than i already have. idk if crying even helps anymore. idk if it can even be helped anymore.
sigh
fuck me or wtv amirite