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lunarhuangyea. i'm back or whatever. pls give me shit for it later i do Not have the capacity to handle my own procrastination right now.
anyways,,, it's february of the grand year 2024 so that makes it somewhat a 1 year anniversary of user lunarhuang on dreamwidth? that's kinda crazy tbh idk man i think my sense of time in general is getting so damn wonky and contorted like tf u mean it's been 4 months since i first started clinicals.... yea shit's kinda trippy but o well idk man i'm still in one piece so i'd take whatever the hell i can get really lawl.
idk what i've been feeling these days. i don't think i know what i've been feeling for a really long while now. it's equal parts good and bad, to tell the truth. on one end where i get to blunt the pain of the void inside eating me alive whenever it comes, it's been getting even harder to tell whether i'm truly happy or maybe it's just by the context i'm receiving from understanding of social cues and situations. everyone's laughing so no shit i should be laughing too. that's what goes through my mind anyways before i double back on it several hours, days, weeks, months later. in present time, reviewing some of my recent memories really makes me think, was i really happy? from pictures and retelling of the story it sure seemed like it but i cannot seem to remember feeling that much of a joy or glee from that time. these days, i look at pictures of these events and the first thought that goes through my mind when i see myself smile is was i truly that happy? was i actually even happy? because i cannot for the life of me remember what it feels like to be happy and i hope to god that i was genuinely as happy as i looked, because i can't remember. i just can't.
one thing that people don't tell enough about feeling extremes of emotions and tasting what it's like to be at the highest of peaks and the rockiest of bottoms is that you just learn to be numb overtime. you learn that no matter the shit you go through, you can't afford to lose your control, your footing. i've had the rug pulled out from under my feet way too many times and these days i just learn to take the pain of the fall like the man that i am and focus on getting back on my feet. apparently i just don't care enough to look for the effects of the fall, a bruise, a cut, a bleed, a fracture. i stand on my feet and i keep telling myself to go, to move, even if it meant to forward to a destination i know nothing of. stopping to tend my wounds meant time is passing without progress and i cannot afford being stuck at one place for too long. because the things that have been chasing me, they'll catch up to me. they'll take me away and break me down to what i truly am, all my false pretenses stripped off.
then, do tell me, if it is not i who tend to my wounds, who will?
will i continue this cycle until i bleed out to death because i'm just too stubborn to heal myself, or will i be unable to move fast enough until all that i am catches up to me and eats me alive?
well well well! another depressing as fuck entry yet again! i never do learn do i lmfaooooo well what's important is lunarhuang entries are updated so who the fuck cares!
anyways,,, it's february of the grand year 2024 so that makes it somewhat a 1 year anniversary of user lunarhuang on dreamwidth? that's kinda crazy tbh idk man i think my sense of time in general is getting so damn wonky and contorted like tf u mean it's been 4 months since i first started clinicals.... yea shit's kinda trippy but o well idk man i'm still in one piece so i'd take whatever the hell i can get really lawl.
idk what i've been feeling these days. i don't think i know what i've been feeling for a really long while now. it's equal parts good and bad, to tell the truth. on one end where i get to blunt the pain of the void inside eating me alive whenever it comes, it's been getting even harder to tell whether i'm truly happy or maybe it's just by the context i'm receiving from understanding of social cues and situations. everyone's laughing so no shit i should be laughing too. that's what goes through my mind anyways before i double back on it several hours, days, weeks, months later. in present time, reviewing some of my recent memories really makes me think, was i really happy? from pictures and retelling of the story it sure seemed like it but i cannot seem to remember feeling that much of a joy or glee from that time. these days, i look at pictures of these events and the first thought that goes through my mind when i see myself smile is was i truly that happy? was i actually even happy? because i cannot for the life of me remember what it feels like to be happy and i hope to god that i was genuinely as happy as i looked, because i can't remember. i just can't.
one thing that people don't tell enough about feeling extremes of emotions and tasting what it's like to be at the highest of peaks and the rockiest of bottoms is that you just learn to be numb overtime. you learn that no matter the shit you go through, you can't afford to lose your control, your footing. i've had the rug pulled out from under my feet way too many times and these days i just learn to take the pain of the fall like the man that i am and focus on getting back on my feet. apparently i just don't care enough to look for the effects of the fall, a bruise, a cut, a bleed, a fracture. i stand on my feet and i keep telling myself to go, to move, even if it meant to forward to a destination i know nothing of. stopping to tend my wounds meant time is passing without progress and i cannot afford being stuck at one place for too long. because the things that have been chasing me, they'll catch up to me. they'll take me away and break me down to what i truly am, all my false pretenses stripped off.
then, do tell me, if it is not i who tend to my wounds, who will?
will i continue this cycle until i bleed out to death because i'm just too stubborn to heal myself, or will i be unable to move fast enough until all that i am catches up to me and eats me alive?
well well well! another depressing as fuck entry yet again! i never do learn do i lmfaooooo well what's important is lunarhuang entries are updated so who the fuck cares!
